Wearing team colours won’t help you ride like Lance Armstrong, any more than putting on a Man United shirt helps you score goals like Wayne Rooney.

It doesn’t matter who you are or what shape you are in – Lycra is not flattering.

Try lifting your head and sniffing the air instead of the bum crack of the cyclist in front.

Having a cycle that weighs less than a bag of sugar won’t help you win le Tour de France.

Fitting a bell will not interfere with the delicate balance of your cycle.

Pavements are meant for pedestrians.

The UK road network is designed for motor vehicles. If you’re going to use it, abide by the rules.

You know those mysterious boxes with red, amber & green lights? Those are traffic lights. Yes, they apply to you too.

Ride in single file on narrow or busy roads and when riding round bends – like the Highway Code instructs you to.

It’s not embarrassing to be seen using cycle lanes instead of busy roads, so for everyone’s sake make use of these when they are available.

Public urination is just that. Calling it a “nature break” doesn’t make it any less disgusting and unsanitary.